zaterdag 13 november 2010

Who am I?

I feel bad at the moment, like really bad.
It's my sister... Or no, actually it's her boyfriend. Once he told me "I will never ever stand between you and your sister." But this is actually the place he is standing right now. It feels like he stole her from me. And I feel sad, really sad.
I miss how my sister used to be before she met him. We did things together and I'm not an easy person, I teased her so much. But she was always there to accept my sorry's... Everytime again.
And now... When I see my sister, the guy is always there. And we have nothing in comon, he is my total opposite. Movies I love, he hates. Music I love, he hates. And when he is with me while I'm photographing, it's like he want to pull my camera out of my hands and make the picture by his own - only by the words he is saying.
I'm trying to avoid him, but at the same time I'm avoiding my sister, and that's the last thing I want to do. I love her...
If I ask her to do something in the weekend always same answers "I don't have money" or "G. is here that moment".
So last few months, when G. and my sister are at my place... All I can say to him are violent things, or I'm trying to be friendly but you can hear the sarcasm in every word I say... When they are gone I feel bad because I was so cruel to him while she was standing next to us, once again. I just can't help it, when my body and soul feel his presence I can't controle my words.

First I didn't like the guy... Now I hate him.

I also have another sister who has a boyfriend too, but yeah, I like that guy... There are a few reasons for it.
First, he is not trying to be friendly and have a good face by everyone.
Second, he likes same kind of music and movies.
Third, Lindsay haven't lived with me all those years (she lived with her mother, who isn't mine) so our band wasn't that strong... So I don't look at her boyfriend like he stole my sister... He became one of my friends too.
And at least, he doesn't try to lock me out of their lifes.
So right now everything changed 180°, while I'm avoiding G. and my sister, I'm getting closer to Lindsay and her boyfriend.
My mother says it's because we are identical, that we are the daughters of our father. (And that is not supposed to be a good thing :/)

It wouldn't be bad, that I can move on my own, and find myself. Because all I can see is myself with a big black mask I created over the years. I refuse to believe that I'm that cruel, violent bitch. I hope this is just my mask.
On school, my mask falls off... But then I'm lost in my own identity because I don't fucking know who I am, or what my destination would be.

13 okt.

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